Things I miss....

KAREN PANDY

When your life is thrown into chaos, there are many things that change.

There are a few things I miss and will never take for granted again. Just litttle things - such as I miss having hair.

I put all my hair products and appliances in a box and realised just how much stuff I had for my hair.

Not that I am particularly high maintenance, but I still managed to have a lot of hair stuff.
Going from having long hair to no hair in the space of a few weeks was quite a change.

I miss having eyebrows and eyelashes.
It is hard to give someone the evil one eyebrow raise when you have none.
At the moment, I look like a pasty Whoopi Goldberg.
I was wearing mascara in the hope that it would help keep my eyelashes.
However, after one shower, I came out and I looked in the mirror.
I was bald and pasty with dark rings under my eyes.
I reminded me of someone famous, it took me about five seconds to realise that I looked like Uncle Fester!

I miss being able to walk around without people looking at me wondering why I have a scarf on my head.

I also miss not being in pain.
Waking up every time I rolled over in bed because it would hurt, didn't make for restful sleep.

I miss my social life.
I really miss being able to make plans for the future.
Not that I am all doom and gloom, but I feel like there is a big black cloud hanging over me at the moment.
I can't just say 'yes' to invitations, I always have to check about when chemo or doctor's appointments are scheduled.

I also miss being alone and my independence.

I miss being able to go to work every day and make a contribution.

I miss being able to enjoy food and not have a chronic metallic taste in my mouth.
I really think the pharmacutical companies should make chemo mint flavoured, this metallic taste is horrid.
I would even be happy with rum flavoured chemo when there is a rugby game on, just to give me that rumbo feeling!

I miss being able to get in my car and drive up or down the coast on the weekend.

I miss not feeling nauseous and dizzy.

I miss feeling happy.
This time a year ago, I was really happy- my life was going well.

I miss having a few rums at the rugby and flirting with boys.
Nobody wants to flirt with a female Kojack.
I recall one Friday night when my parents were heading out to dinner.
I was getting ready for bed (at the late hour of 7.30pm) and my mother kept coming into my room asking my opinion about shoes and accessories.
I remember thinking how nice it was that they still went on dates after 42 years of marriage.
After they left, I started crying.

I missed getting dressed up and going on dates.

I miss having energy and not feeling exhausted all the time.

I miss being able to see my friends when I want to and not have to see who is blowing their nose or coughing.

I really miss seeing my nieces and nephews when I want.

Not wanting to get too graphic, but I miss going to the bathroom and not having it be a drama.
I miss not having to discuss my bathroom activities with anyone!
At the moment bathroom visits can last either twelve seconds or two hours.
I remember after one particularly crippling bathroom visit, my dad gave me some topical cream to ease my discomfort.
The list of side effects included - dizziness, fainting, nausea, headaches and anal leakage.
I weighed up the side effects with how I was feeling and felt that the risk of all of those was better than how I was feeling.
If I never have to discuss or experience manual evacuation again, I will be a very, very, very, very happy woman.

I know that this is all temporary and I will be able to return to my old life, but in the meantime, there are days where is sucks to be me.

I am aware that things could always be much worse and I am fortunate that I am going to get the opportunity to get better and do all those things that I miss once again.