How did I get home last night? My bizarre, panicked life as a blackout drinker

I fell down staircases. I woke up in strange homes. When you love booze like I did, it's amazing what you'll ignore

SARAH HEPOLA

READ ORIGINAL POST HERE

A photo of the author in college

The following is adapted and excerpted from "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget," coming out June 23 (Grand Central).

I met my friend Allison at a Mexican restaurant. We hadn’t seen each other in years. It had been so long that, as I scanned the menu and failed to listen to the waiter recite the evening’s specials, I couldn’t stop my mind from tunneling back through time in an effort to pinpoint when we last hung out. This is a form of bragging for me. I pride myself on remembering more than anyone else.

“I know,” I said. “Your 36th birthday party,” and I smacked the table like it was a buzzer.

“You’re right!” she said.

That party was such a blast. Three years later, I can still remember so much about it: How her cozy Park Slope apartment was strung up with Christmas lights. How I planned to stop by for a quick drink, maybe three, before heading to another party across town. How I charmed her chic 20-something colleagues from the online fashion magazine with my big ideas about female comedians and sex.

But of all the details I can summon, one I cannot is how I got home that night. Trying to remember the end of that evening now is like watching a movie with a reel of film missing. I’m talking to this girl on the back porch, I’m laughing with this girl on the back porch, and then … the screen goes blank. CUT TO: Me, in my Williamsburg loft at 6 a.m., the white curtains billowing in the breeze.

I’d had blackouts since the first time I got drunk. If you’ve never had a blackout, then you might not understand the singular horror of waking up to discover that time is missing. People often confuse blackout with passing out, but the experiences are quite different. A person who is passed out is unconscious. A person in a blackout is very much awake: Walking, talking, singing bad karaoke. You keep going, even as your long-term memory shuts down. Sometimes my blackouts were only a few minutes, a temporary outage, but a few lasted hours, and the first 10 seconds of a hungover Sunday morning were a checklist of panic: Did I remember how I got home? Was anyone lying beside me? Did I have any cuts or bruises? I woke to strange data sets. Orange juice on the counter, refrigerator door flapping open. My vibrator tossed on the living room couch. Once I woke up with a half-eaten corn dog in my hand and a smear of mustard across my face. But I was starving, so I ate it.

Allison leaned in at the table. “Oh my God, do you remember that night?” she asked, and I braced myself. Anyone with a drinking history learns to hate those words. The wrecking ball is about to arrive.

“Actually, I don’t,” I said.

“You fell down my staircase.”

I covered my face with my hands and peeked at Allison through the slats of my fingers. “Yeah, I used to do that.“

“My stairs were marble,” she said. “It was terrifying. Honestly, I’d never seen anything like it. You don’t remember this at all?”

No, but I was familiar with the habit. By my mid-30s, I had drunkenly tumbled down rickety outdoor wooden steps and glamorous winding staircases. I don’t know what’s crazier: That I drank as long as I did, or that I kept wearing heels. Once, I tripped down the narrow metal staircase of a Turkish restaurant on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and wound up in St. Vincent’s hospital with a concussion and the world’s most excruciating hangover. But what was most remarkable about these extravagant nosedives was how painless and without consequence they often were. I’d get up, dust myself off, and grab another drink. OK. What’s next?

“I can’t even remember how I got home that night,” I told Allison.

“Oh I remember,” she said. “We put you in a cab.”

Thank God for cabbies. Other people can give teary testimonials to the cops and the fire department, but as far as I’m concerned, cabbies are the superheroes of New York City. They have ferried me safely home when I couldn’t see straight — I mean, when I literally held one hand over an eye to keep from spinning. They have driven me up and down the same few blocks while I tried to figure out which of the blurry row houses was my blurry row house.

“I’m so sorry,” I said to Allison, hands still shielding my face, as though I could somehow hold in the embarrassment.

“No, I’m sorry,” she said. “I felt bad putting you in that cab. I wanted you to stay the night at my place.”

“But I refused, I’m sure.”

“You wouldn’t hear of it.”

In addition to being a sot, I was stubborn to boot. I sometimes bristled when people tried to take care of me, as though they were telling me I threw like a girl. I’d stagger off into the night: I’ll show you. Whenever I woke up on a friend’s couch, it was a sign that something had gone wrong. Not only had I been too drunk to remember; I’d been too drunk to escape.

When the blackouts first started happening, they could derail me for days. In college, I woke up from one blackout feeling like a kidnapping victim emerging from the trunk of a car: How did I get here? Who did this to me? In my 20s, I’d spend hours writhing in bed trying to reconstruct the night, imagining with a full-body cringe what boozy gimmick I’d pulled from my bag of tricks: Did I flash a stranger? Throw beer in people’s faces? Force everyone to watch me perform songs from “Jesus Christ Superstar”? But by the age of 33, when I went to Allison’s party, I had grown weary of these convulsions of anxiety. I was the kind of person who could spend an hour flinching over a misplaced comma in a story; I didn’t need to take a deep dive into what might or might not have occurred in the course of two lost hours.

So what I can remember about waking up after Allison’s party is that I simply did not remember. If I had any bruises or scrapes from my fall, they did not throb or otherwise snag my attention, a detail that is sad in its own quiet, neglectful way. I woke up, alone, in my own bed. My earrings had been removed and placed in the bathroom drawer. As far as I could see, nothing was amiss.

I wondered that morning if I should text Allison. “Had a great time last night! The part I can remember was amazing!” Or maybe I should call and apologize. But apologize for what, exactly? I needed my own fill-in-the-blank letter of apology:

“Dear so-and-so. I’m terribly sorry that I _________ last night. You must have felt very _________ when I _________. I drank too much _________ that night, and I was not in my right mind.”

In the end, I sacked out on my futon, watched a marathon of reality TV and ordered pad thai. It was years till Allison and I saw each other again.

I avoided a great deal in those days. I avoided credit card bills that piled up on the counter. I avoided full-length mirrors. I avoided doctors, since I did not have insurance. I avoided going to the same bodegas and wine stores too often, keeping several in my regular rotation lest the cashiers get any ideas about me. And when I behaved badly in the company of a drinking companion, I simply avoided her, too. This was incredibly easy to do in a city where “the G train” served as a suitable excuse for failing to visit close friends.

I should have just emailed Allison. It wouldn’t have been hard. But there was something so debasing about having to ask another person: What did I do? Can you help me remember?

Instead, I mentioned my evening to a friend who lived down the street. “I’m sure you were fine,” she said, and gave me a comforting rub on the back. The white lies women tell each other: You look great in that dress. No one will notice that thing on your head. I’m sure you were fine.

Surely, I was fine. I was fine, sure. She and I cracked a bottle of red wine in her apartment, and it was like my insides shifted back into place. OK. What’s next?

“I was worried about you that night,” Allison told me at the restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” I said. It was the fifth time I’d said it. I wish the vocabulary here were more varied. I’m sorry. I apologize. I wish I hadn’t done that. Part of the reason I stopped calling friends the morning after was that I grew tired of hearing the same dumb words crawl out of my mouth. I got tired of hearing the same words from them, too: I’m worried about you. You need to keep it together. And then part of the reason I stopped calling was that I didn’t want to know what happened. I couldn’t hear it anymore. Every problem drinker struggles with denial, but blackout drinkers have a particular burden. If you don’t remember a thing — did it really happen? The blackouts were a terror, but the blackouts were a kind of protection too, like someone pulling the shade down in front of my drunken behavior and telling me I didn’t really need to know.

If I reflect on my drinking years now, what I remember first is how amazing they were. The promise of a cold beer in my tired hands, the perfect pop of a cork coaxed from the bottle at 6 p.m. Drinking rescued me from the dull ache of ordinary life — a life spent waiting for life to begin — and I can’t imagine my college years, the wandering of my 20s, the striving of my early 30s without it. Alcohol was the glue that bound everything together: my friendships with women, my romances with men. Even my career in media seemed to improve with a glass of wine in my hand. Sometimes I think I won’t ever feel lighter, or more powerful, than when I was drinking.

“You sure drink fast,” a guy would say, watching me down a beer, and I would lick the foam from my lips. Damn straight.

But if I dig deeper, it’s not long before I remember the blackouts. How disorienting and spooky they were. I could not shake the fear of what could have happened but didn’t. What did happen — and couldn’t be fixed.

I tried so many tricks to avoid them. I stopped drinking bourbon. I drank a glass of water between cocktails. I cut out red wine before dinner, and then red wine after dinner. I moved to a new city. I got a new job. I went on antidepressants. I pledged myself to the gods of yoga and Vitamin Water. But here is the truth that I could not outrun: When I drank, I kept drinking. And if I drank enough — and God knows, I usually did — I would black out. It wasn’t an accident; it was an inevitability.

It’s been five years since I quit, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it sometimes. But for all the crashing good times that drinking gave me, it brought me so much shame. So much horror. So much regret. So many conversations like that evening with Allison, four years ago, when my dark past landed in my lap like a tossed grenade. The blackouts are what leveled me, and they haunt me still. The nights I can’t remember are the nights I can never forget.


GET THE BOOK HERE

Depression

GOODBYE, NOT FAREWELL

june 29, 2015 by tinc

Hey everyone,

This is not Wink, but her little baby sister writing to you.

When Wink started this crochet blog back in 2011 she told you guys how crochet saved her live. As you might know Wink was in a dark period of her life the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately I have to tell you that last Friday it did not save her, her depression got the best of her and she took her own life. We are all very heart broken by this news, it was an absolute shock to all of us. She is leaving a mom, dad, little brother and sister and her loving boyfriend behind.

It’s funny because when Wink started crocheting she got all her friends and family addicted. During her stay at the hospital even other patients started crocheting and some of them even bought her book! But not me, it just wasn’t something for me to do. I said; “When we get a baby you can crochet a pair of socks or a stuffed animal. But that’s the only crocheted thing in our house!” Last Christmas she gave me a ‘how to crochet’ book, yarn and some hooks. I tried it, I made a square! But that was all. Now, I can’t wait to hang one of her Mandala’s on my wall. It’s Wink! Sadly this had to happen to make me do that.

Wink was such an inspiration to all of you. She created beautiful things and with all her heart she made the first Scheepjes CAL. I know that the crochet community will not be the same without her, she will be thoroughly missed. She enjoyed all the trips she made to meet all of you guys. She published her first book earlier this year; one couldn’t even imagine how much joy and pleasure it gave her to sign them for you. Her second book will be published later this year, unfortunately she won’t be around to see that.

The funeral will be held on Thursday, but as you can imagine there might not be enough room for everyone to attend. We have created a memorial site in her memory for everyone to pay their respects. But if you, as a community, would like to pay your respects to her in person we can always organize a memorial at the cemetery. So please let us know if we should do that!
She will be missed, but this is a goodbye, not a farewell. We’ll meet in Heaven again, I’m sure of that.
xo,
tinc

Teenagers are swapping alcohol and drugs for self-harm and eating disorders

Teenagers are swapping alcohol and drugs for self-harm and eating disorders

CHRIS GREEN Author Sunday 16 August 2015

Today's teenagers are less likely to get pregnant at a young age and are turning away from drink, drugs and cigarettes – but are increasingly engaging in self-harm, suffering from eating disorders and not getting enough sleep, according to a government paper.

The findings, published by a group of Britain’s most senior civil servants, suggest that the pervasion of the internet and social media, coupled with better parental monitoring and supervision, has prompted major changes in the behaviour of the country’s youth.

At a meeting chaired by Sir Mark Walport, the Government’s Chief Scientific Adviser, experts told the group that “digital immersion” had resulted in a “rapid and dramatic societal shift” which was already having a profound impact on young people.

While some said that the popularity of social media and computer games had left children with “less time and opportunity to participate in traditional risk behaviours” such as underage drinking, others pointed out that the anonymity of the internet had made obtaining “legal highs” and “designer drugs” much easier for them.

Although it acknowledged that there was still “considerable uncertainty” about the impact of the digital world on teenagers, the paper said there had been a clear rise in cyber-bullying and that today’s children were now frequently exposed to “hate content, self-harm and pro-anorexia” websites.

Perhaps surprisingly, the group said “sexting” – the sending and receiving of sexually explicit text messages – was already declining among young people, as was the underage use of social media. But some of the experts raised concerns that the prevalence of online pornography could be having “significant psychological impacts” on children.

For many, the internet provided a valuable source of information and support and could help them answer questions about mental or sexual health, the paper said. But others struggled to control the time they spent online.

“For some children and young people, internet usage approaches levels where it could be classified as an addiction,” the paper said.

The discussion came in the wake of research commissioned by the Government’s “horizon scanning” group, which analyses future opportunities and threats and assesses the impact they might have on policies. Its work is overseen by Sir Jeremy Heywood, the Cabinet Secretary.

The document said there was good evidence to suggest a “slow and steady decline” in drinking, drug use, smoking, crime, suicide and teenage pregnancy among the country’s young people – but concluded there was “no space for complacency” as different risks were continually emerging and evolving.

A rise in self-harm, especially among teenage girls, was identified as an “area of concern” by the experts, who pointed to recent research suggesting that a third of 15-year-old girls had reported harming themselves on purpose. “Figures for eating disorders and body image issues suggest that these are also significant problems, and are likely to be associated with poor mental health,” the paper added.

Many adolescents also suffered from a “chronic lack of sleep”, while a decline in exercise among both boys and girls was highlighted as a problem with “long-term health implications”. The proportion of boys meeting guidelines for physical activity had fallen from 28 per cent in 2008 to 21 per cent in 2012, the paper said.

However, the paper also stressed that the current generation of young people were not only displaying less risky behaviour than their predecessors, but were also doing positive things for society “that often go unrecognised in public debate”. About 80 per cent of 16- to 24-year-olds volunteered in the past year – more than any other age group, it said.

Suzie Hayman, a trustee and spokeswoman for the parenting charity Family Lives, said today’s teenagers could be described as “the sensible generation” when it came to drink, drugs and alcohol. Part of the explanation for the decline in these activities, she said, was that the internet provided a constant source of entertainment.

“Getting drunk and smoking often happens when you are hanging around on street corners with nothing to do. Nowadays you can just reach for a tablet or a mobile phone. You’re never bored, you’re constantly on social media, looking at stuff, discovering stuff – often in safe environments,” she said.

However, she added that self-harm, bullying and eating disorders were “a real worry” and that parents needed to make sure their children felt loved. “We still do seem to have a problem with young people not feeling happy, not feeling supported – communication between parents and children in this country is not as good as it is in others. It seems to be the British style,” she said.

Lucie Russell, the director of media and campaigns at the children’s mental health charity YoungMinds, said the new teenage behaviour highlighted by the paper was “very worrying” and that school and exam-related stress, family breakdown and the internet all played their part.

“Young people are online 24/7. It never lets up,” she said. “There’s a constant need for reassurance. They live their lives in a public domain and feel pressurised to present themselves as the perfect person, with the perfect body.”

The Government has set aside £1.25bn to improve young people’s mental health services over the next five years. Alistair Burt, the community and social care minister, has spoken of the need to “treat a broken mind with the same urgency as a broken leg”.

Earlier this month, NHS England distributed £30m of funding to improve eating disorder services, with the aim of having 95 per cent of patients seen within four weeks by 2020. The Department for Education is also promoting the use of counselling in schools and better teaching about mental health.

Beverley Jullien, the chief executive of the Mothers' Union charity, which offers advice to parents, said children could be taught to be “resilient” to the dangers of the online world without being “wrapped in cotton wool” – but that the pace of change was so rapid thatparents should ensure they educated themselves, as well.

Ms Hayman also pointed out that for teenagers, engaging in risky or rebellious behaviour was perfectly normal and did not necessarily suggest a problem in their personal lives. “It’s what being an adolescent is all about. This is the time in their lives when they’re trying to decide who they are – in making that stand, they often go through rites of passage which involve risky things,” she said. “We need to recognise that. You’ll never eliminate young people taking risks.”

Cancer and hope

Rachel Stratton
I'm Rachel Stratton, a 17 year old girl and identical twin to Jordyn. On August 9th, 2012 I was diagnosed with brain-stem cancer, (DIPG). I'm an active girl in for a long ride!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2015

I have come to the conclusion that hope is what we want it and make it to be.

I can't talk, walk and everything between but I can still hope.

It's pretty embarrassing being 20 and having some people look at me different like I'm 2.

The funny thing is when people think I know something but I took 20 years to find out Genovia isn't a real country.Do you really think I know the secret of life?

"I thought a lot today about things inside but I couldn't tell anyone." I wrote, well I have the people around me write in 2 journals each night.
That's what I had written for yesterday. It's true I think a lot-normally but I cant say it. It stinks.

I don't really do anything besides eat and sleep but visitors exhaust me, so I'll update everybody this way.

I'm not doing well but I have a lot of peace. That's what counts I guess.

So I'm still hanging in there. Barely but surely. And I'll keep hanging until I can sew (with energy) again.

Much love

And a big thanks for your love, prayers and kind words--

Rachel

Mom Describes Daughter’s Descent Into Mental Illness And Suicide

The Bravest Person I Have Ever Known’: Mom Describes Daughter’s Descent Into Mental Illness And Suicide

Amy Capetta
April 22, 2015

Last month, 28-year-old Natalie Fuller from Baltimore, Maryland ended her life by stepping in front of a train. Her mother, Doris — with whom Natalie authored a bestselling book at age 16 called “Promise You Won’t Freak Out: A Teenager Tells Her Mother the Truth About Boys, Booze, Body Piercing, and Other Touchy Topics (and Mom Responds)”— wrote a heartfelt and honest piece for The Washington Post detailing the mental illness that consumed her daughter’s existence.

“My daughter lived more than six years with an incurable disease that filled her head with devils that literally hounded her to death, and she did it while laughing, painting, writing poetry, advocating and bringing joy to the people around her,” she stated. “She was the bravest person I have ever known, and her suicide doesn’t change that.”

During Natalie’s senior year of college, she suffered from her first psychotic episode. “In the span of a few weeks she went from being a dazzling young adult with the world at her feet to a psych-ward patient with an arrest record. Only much later did I learn what a devastatingly common trajectory this was,” Doris wrote.

Although Natalie went one-week without sleep, the family chalked it up to jet lag (at the time she was traveling abroad). A few months after that when Natalie complained about her friends whispering behind her back, Doris assumed it was typical college roommate drama. “With no history of mental illness in the family, auditory hallucinations never crossed anyone’s mind.”

But about six months later, Natalie believed even strangers were talking about her, which led to her multiple arrests for crimes, like trespassing. The police finally brought her to the hospital one night where she was committed to the state’s public psychiatric hospital. Natalie was treated for severe bipolar disorder with psychosis and was released after two months.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 75 percent of lifetime cases of mental health conditions begin by age 24, and more than 25 percent of college students have been diagnosed or treated by a professional for a mental health condition within the past year.

“Mental illness tends to present itself around 18 or 19, and very often this is when young adults are going off to college,”Dr. Robi Ludwig, a nationally recognized psychotherapist who is a regular contributor on CNN and The Fox News Channel, tells Yahoo Health. “So it makes it particularly hard to identify the difference between just typical adolescent/early adulthood issues versus is there a mental illness going on.”

After Natalie’s initial diagnosis and treatment, Doris says her daughter stayed with her for the summer and described her as being “sane, revived and seemingly her vibrant old self.” Then she returned to college in the fall to restart her senior year — and, as is common in these scenarios, stopped taking her meds. “Within minutes of walking through the door for a weekend at home, her delusion-loaded thinking and behavior made it obvious that what I eventually came to think of as ‘the demons’ were back.”

Natalie was re-committed to the hospital and Doris admits that this relapse was more severe than her initial psychotic break. “Her second commitment to the hospital lasted 10 months, an eternity in an era where the average psychiatric stay is about five days and most people who are psychotic never get a bed at all.”

While she did rebound again, the devastating cycle continued: Natalie would take her meds, feel stable and then would forgo the meds believing they were no longer necessary. “Yet if she even inadvertently missed a few days of medication — even while receiving therapy and other forms of treatment — the demons would return, and one of the first things they would tell her was to stop taking her medicine,” Doris wrote. “The second thing they would tell her was not to talk to her mom, the most powerful other influence in her life. Each time she obeyed and relapsed, she plunged into a longer free fall, hitting the ground harder, recovering more slowly and returning at a lower plateau.”

Natalie entered what would be her final cycle last fall. “There were no apparent signs of psychosis, and she seemed happy and healthy to everyone around her, but she said we couldn’t see inside her head. In November, six years after her first break, she announced that because she was going to have hallucinations anyway, she was giving up meds for good. Now 28 years old, she stopped the injectable antipsychotics and oral mood stabilizers that had helped her rebuild her life, and her mind began its final, fatal unwinding.”

Ludwig emphasizes the important of parents keeping their eyes and ears open, especially if major depression or mental illness is part of their genetics. “You want to look for anything that is a significant change,” she states. “You know your child’s general personality style, so if you see that they’re withdrawing in a major way, a loss of interest in others or in things they really cared about, a tremendous drop in schoolwork or functioning or problems with concentration or memory, as well as logical thought process, these are all warning signs. Also take notice if someone describes feeling disconnected from themselves or their surroundings, or feeling that things aren’t real.”

As for a typical warning sign of someone who may fall into the psychotic range: “If their sensitivity to sight or sound or smell is suddenly heightened or they suddenly find certain situations over-stimulating.”

Ludwig urges concerned parents to seek help. “If you have a question about your child, you do not have to make a diagnosis alone and should not be burdened with that responsibility,” she states. “They can simply have their child evaluated by a mental health professional who can further assist them about the right intervention. If your child is an adult, you may want to say something like, ‘I’m concerned about you. You don’t seem like yourself and I’m here to support you. Why don’t we find out what’s going on because I’m sure you want to feel better, too.’”

Doris, who is now an executive director of the Treatment Advocacy Center—an Arlington-based nonprofit dedicated to eliminating barriers to treatment for people with the most severe psychiatric diseases — has been touched by the outpouring of sympathy and grief from others who have also been affected by this illness. She also shared that Natalie had hoped to become a peer counselor since she felt the mental health system needed to be reformed.

“’Natalie will help our society to move forward,’ a postdoctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Hospital wrote me upon learning of the suicide. ‘She is helping us to look at mental illness with the respect, the compassion and the dignity it deserves.’ I hope so. Natalie would have loved that legacy.”

May be the last

May be the last

This may be my last blog post. My health has taken a turn for the worse and I’m in the ‘end of life’ phase now. The chemo was miserable and so I reviewed my decision to continue with more medical interventions and chose not too. I was also too weak to continue with the chemo in a straightforward way. Instead I am on a regime designed to make me comfortable.

I’m quite weak now. I’ve had another wonderful flood of messages from colleagues friends, and relations of caring and loving. There have been some great ones that have recalled times that the person sending the message and I have spent together. One I just received from an old, old friend brought back the kitchen that we decorated in a house that we lived in in the 1980’s where we took lots of time and care over mock malachite and mock lapis lazuli painted units. I loved that kitchen – and hadn’t thought about it for 20 years!

Gill and I also rummaged in the loft and found my nostalgia boxes which included diaries from my year in Kenya in 1978-9. Maybe there is another blog project there – ‘Adam’s year in Kenya’. We still have to discover what else the boxes contain.

Even typing feels like a draining activity now; Gill, my wife, has been helping. Don’t count on me responding to email or skype – which I find a strange thing to say after a quarter century of being assiduous in email correspondence and having short shrift for people who lamely say “I never got the email”.

I’m not sure how to end a post that might or might not be the last. I am at peace. If I have more days with sufficient energy there may be more. Perhaps that is all that is needed.

Adam

Adam died on Saturday 16th May 2015 following a diagnosis of advanced cancer in November 2014. During that time, one of his great pleasures was writing articles for this blog and the range of responses he received.

Which is worse, cancer or depression?

Cancer and depression

Which is worse, cancer or depression? The answer is clear. Depression is worse: depression makes you want to die and cancer doesn’t.

I’ve spent all my adult life with depression lurking. I haven’t mentioned it to very many people at all. For the first ten years I talked about it to nobody at all, for the next decade only Gill and therapists. I have not wanted to be dismissed as a weak and worthless person. But I have been hugely comforted when other people have talked about depression so this blog is me trying to give back. I was inspired by the Norwegian Prime Minister – Prime minister! – who announced in 1998 that he was ill with depression and needed to take some time off, which he did and then returned to complete a successful term in office.

My depression has taken cyclical form with a nine month bout every three years. I worked this out in the late 1990s. It was then possible to start seeing it as a medical issue rather than a personal failing. Then I talked to Gill, saw my GP and started exploring drug and other treatments (I had already tried counseling methods without fully acknowledging that I was ill).

My experience of depression was debilitating, with me being incapable of making any good decisions or getting anything done or caring for other people or even looking after myself, with no glimmer of appetite or joy in life. Thoughts of death rolled and crashed and banged around the door. I spent hours concocting methods of ending my life and discarding them, concocting and discarding, concocting and discarding. Since having children, they have always been, in the end, a definitive reason for discarding.

My depression followed a ‘slowly in, quickly out’ pattern. Over the summer I would start feeling gloomy more and more often and this continued through autumn to blackest days of winter. Some time in spring the first the echo of something I scarcely dared hope for or believe in opened up just for a moment. Once it happened on a bike ride in playing fields in Cambridge; once in the cricket field in front of Firle House, a beautiful Sussex country house, on a day with picnic, children’s games, and our family playing with two others.

One surprising fact for me was that people didn’t notice! I continued turning up at work (never high pressure jobs) and nobody shouted at me for not getting the job done or giving a poor lecture. In home life, Gill and others might not have found me exhilarating company but always invited me along and I usually tagged along, with no true enthusiasm but aware that staying at home would probably be worse. Perhaps they did notice but were just too polite to say. But maybe that is just a very English interpretation!

In the 1990s and 2000s I had two bouts of depression truncated by Prozac type drugs, and then a few months after the depression ended I stopped the drugs, but then the depression came back roughly on schedule. So in 2009 I decided I should be on a drug that was working for me, venlafaxine, for the long term.

After five years depression free, I wanted to see if I’d escaped the cycle and was depression-free without drugs. I didn’t take doctor’s advice. I came off the drugs and within three months the first intimations of gloom appeared. I went back on the drugs but they didn’t help. By last summer I was back in the grips of depression. Also last summer my stomach started hurting persistently which I interpreted as a symptom of the depression, or vice versa. I had a first series of medical check ups in September 2014 but there was no evidence of cancer. It seemed at the time that irritable bowel syndrome was the most likely analysis although it didn’t account for the level or consistency of the stomach pain.

The second set of check ups at the beginning of November included a CT scan and blood tests and it was then that the doctors diagnosed cancer.

And at that point the depression disappeared! Simply evaporated! Was no longer! Apart from terrifying moments in the middle of two dystopian waking dreams following the start of my second chemo a couple of weeks ago, it has not been back (touch wood, fingers crossed).

Depression detached me from the usual trade offs in life: with no appetite for anything, all my choices to do things felt sham. Cancer has returned me to a place where I can take decisions between pleasure and pain, good and bad, in an ordinary way. It has made me more normal and connected with other people. While having cancer I’ve had lots of enjoyable times (like now lazing in a hot deep bath, dictating to Gill in a thoroughly stately manner).

IMG_1296The trade-off is, I die.

Complicated note re responses

I can’t guarantee that I will read anything you write in response because I might die first. But my priority will be to read blog comments (use the button bottom right which appears when you mouse over it). If you want to keep your comment private please send it by email, though I will only read that as second priority.

If you have pictures to attach that would be great, and it would be best if you could attach them to a comment.

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How pressures of online life undermine teenage girls’ self-esteem

Revealed: how pressures of online life undermine teenage girls’ self-esteem

A major survey of 30,000 pupils reveals that teenagers – especially girls – increasingly doubt themselves. Both the economic downturn and cyber bullying are taking their toll

Daniel Boffey
Sunday 9 November 2014 00.04 GMT

The self-esteem of teenage girls has fallen significantly since the start of the economic downturn seven years ago and the boom in the use of social media and online communication, a major survey of 30,000 school pupils has revealed.

Analysts who compile the survey for schools across the country have reported a worrying drop in the number of 14- and 15-year-olds, particularly girls, who say they feel highly confident in their own worth.

After consistent year-on-year increases since the early 1990s in the number of young people scoring in the highest bracket of self-esteem, a sudden and dramatic change occurred after 2007, according to the Schools Health Education Unit, which works with local authorities to monitor the health and lifestyles of pupils.

From a peak in 2007, when 41% of 14- and 15-year-old girls reported high self-esteem, that figure has fallen to 33%. There has also been a less significant drop in self-esteem among boys of the same age, from 55% in the highest bracket in 2007 to 50% in 2013, according to the survey, released on Sunday.

Dr David Regis, research manager at the unit, said that the correlation with the economic downturn could not be ignored and that more attention might need to be paid to the sensitivities of young people to their families’ plight during the recession and slow recovery.

The unit also suggested that teenagers were, more than ever, having their lives exposed through online communication and that schools should examine whether they were educating their pupils properly on the dangers.

Three in four 14- and 15-year-old girls have chatted on the internet and 13% have received a message that scared or upset them. One in five had chatted with people they did not know. A third of all pupils (34%) in one authority had looked online for pornographic or violent images, films or games.

Regis said: “We have always been concerned about the emotional wellbeing of young people. A while ago we took stock of young people’s emotional wellbeing as seen in our figures. At the time, we were fairly sanguine, as we thought that, while different worries came and went, young people’s self-esteem was holding up well and even increasing.

“But it is no longer the case: the data series shows a peak in the percentage of year 10 females [aged 14-15] scoring in the highest bracket of self-esteem scores in 2007, but the figures in that group have since declined.”


Angela Balding, who managed the survey for the unit, which has carried out the polling since 1976, said: “The 2008 date coincides with the economic recession, so that’s a plausible explanation of what we see – but we are also aware of new pressures about being online and of online bullying.

“We can also see among the pupils with low self-esteem that they are much more likely than their peers to have experienced bullying at or near school in the last year. We don’t know if that’s because bullying causes a drop in self-esteem, or if pupils with low self-esteem are more likely to be picked on, or both.”

A third of girls (31%) aged 10 or 11 fear bullying at least sometimes. One in five girls of that age said their school did not deal with bullying very well. Ellie Dibben, 18, from Hertfordshire, who is a member of the 18-strong “advocates”, a panel of the charity Girlguiding, which examines issues pertinent to young women, said she recognised the downturn in self-esteem among her peers.

She said: “I think that recently we have had a very fast period of change in terms of online habits. But while we have had these huge changes come in, we have not had changes in the way we are educated in an era of an increasingly sexualised media. Some young people have no idea how to deal with this.”

The survey also reveals a worrying attitude among teenage girls to eating. It found that 14% of 14- and 15-year-old girls have nothing to eat or drink for breakfast, with 13% having only a drink. Nearly two in three (62%) of girls of the same age and 53% of year 12- and 13-year-olds would like to lose weight.

However, there is good news in terms of the attitudes of teenagers towards alcohol and tobacco. Since the mid-1990s there has been a general decline in the percentage of 14-15-year-olds who smoke regularly, the survey found. For example, in 1985, 33% of 14-15-year old girls said they had never smoked. In 2013, this had risen to 60%.

About 97% of 10-11-year-olds say they have never smoked. This figure drops to 66% (boys) and 60% (girls) by the time they are 14-15 years old. More than a third (35%) of 12-15-year-olds live in a home where someone smokes. One in five (22%) of 14-15-year-old girls reported smoking and 27% reported drinking alcohol “in the last seven days”.

10% of all teenagers have engaged in self-harm

One in four Australian teenage girls has self-harmed, says report

Largest-ever survey of youth mental health has found 10% of all teenagers have engaged in self-harm, and one in every 13 has contemplated suicide

Australian Associated Press
Friday 7 August 2015 07.31 BST

Alarming new figures show one in four Australian teenage girls have engaged in self-harm.

The largest-ever survey of youth mental health found 10% of teenagers had engaged in self-harm, and one in 13 had contemplated suicide. One in 40 actually attempted it.

The two-year survey of 6,300 families found a quarter of girls aged 16 and 17 had engaged in self-harm, with one in five meeting the clinical criteria for major depressive disorder.

One in seven children and young people had experienced a mental disorder in the past year and almost one third were suffering more than one disorder.

Health minister Sussan Ley described the report on Friday as “confronting, sad and shocking”.

She was concerned that while ADHD cases were falling, there had been a rise in major depressive disorder.

But it was encouraging that more young people were using support services compared with in 1998, when the Mental Health of Children and Adolescents survey was first conducted, she said.

“As a parent it’s heartbreaking to see these prevalent stories of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal tendencies amongst our young people, let alone as health minister,” Ley said.

“We must recognise in years gone by many of these cases we’re hearing about today would have simply gone unaccounted for while people suffered in silence.”

Ley said she was proud that most young people were turning to sport and other activities rather than drugs and alcohol to address mental health problems.

Technological advances mean the $6.6m federal government-funded survey is likely to be more accurate than when it was first conducted almost 20 years ago, because young people can now participate without parental supervision.

The government says depression reporting rates almost doubled when young people first filled out the survey themselves.

Mental Health Australia chief executive Frank Quinlan said the distressing figures highlighted the need for more information and a national mental health plan involving all levels of government.

“There’s still an uncomfortableness about mental illness that means we don’t treat it in the same way we treat other mainstream health issues,” he said.

“The health minister can’t solve this on her own – we need the minister for employment, we need the minister for social services and we need the minister for defence and treasury and finance to all come together on this.”

An expert reference group set up by the federal government to map out a plan on how to implement the recommendations of a review of the mental health system will report back to Ley in October.

Teen Depression - Girls

How to get closer to your teenaged daughter and prevent depression.
By Ellen McGrath, published on June 1, 2002 - last reviewed on February 23, 2009


It's clear that many kids are breaking down in college. But most of the issues affecting them are at play well before they get to college age.

If you wish to understand what is happening with young adults, it's wise to focus on teenagers. We have all heard about the male loner who suddenly blows people up, like the pipe bomber or the Columbine kids. We are learning about the girls who are as aggressive as the boys but who are indirect in their aggression, the so-called mean girls syndrome. They are the most visible symbols of some disturbing trends.

By any measure, our young people are in trouble. Rates of depression and anxiety are soaring—and getting worse. Possibly one out of three teens will end up with significant clinical depression needing treatment. Their suicide rates have tripled.

We need to take action. If you are the parent or sibling of a teenager, or come in contact with them on a regular basis, there is information you need to have and strategies to adopt. I want to focus this article on teenage girls.

Make no assumptions that you know what is really going on. Recognize that you are ignorant even though you'd love to believe you're not. Teenagers represent the most classic case of what you see is not what you get. One major reason parents are out of touch is that to be in touch takes a great deal of time and parents are just too harried.
Recognize that to be in touch requires new communications skills, and they have to be learned if you expect to connect with and understand these kids. All the skills that worked up to this point no longer work.
Turn to the real experts for answers, the people who are immersed in the peer culture teens set up for themselves, adults who work with teens day in and day out and know how to help them. Take workshops and classes where you get hands-on training in skill-building.
One of the best sources of information is The Inside Story on Teen Girls, by Alice Rubenstein, Ed.D., and Karen Zager, Ph.D. The book was published by the American Psychological Association.

Appreciate how different their world is from ours, and expose yourself to the culture your kids are immersed in. Look on it as an anthropological exploration. Ask kids what's hip and what they are paying attention to. Watch a half hour of MTV for a couple of weeks. Ask your kids to show you some of their favorite computer games and video games. Look at the magazines teen girls read. Go online to good teen websites.
Take all the expertise you've gathered and distill it down to some core action strategies that will work with your particular kids.
Let your kids know that you're really interested in learning about them and their lives without judging or controlling—and that it can be at their time and in their way.
Make yourself available at the most inconvenient times. Your kids will purposely choose the worst time of your day or week to open up to you. They want to talk when you're exhausted, in bed, and they've just come home at curfew time.
You have to mobilize your values and realize that your exhaustion is not worth missing an opportunity to connect. In the long run connection produces more value than a night's sleep.

Whatever else, avoid comments—positive or negative—about body appearance. Any remarks are triggers to cultural craziness on the topic. Instead talk about health and strength.
Engage in activities together, which then tend to open up opportunities for communication and connection, rather than sitting down eyeball to eyeball. One of the very best approaches is a shared fitness activity. Walk, run or do yoga together; or go to the gym and lift weights together. Take in a museum exhibit on video art. Go to a movie like Bridget Jones' Diary. But don't go shopping together.
There are many reasons why depression is rampant in young people. They face unprecedented pressures to succeed. The college race is harder and more uncertain than ever. As the pressure has increased, so has anxiety, because adults aren't there to teach kids how to handle it. It's exploding in eating disorders, anxiety disorders and aggression.

This is the first generation of divorce, the product of absentee parents and lots of conflict.

Today's teens face more pressure for sexual activity earlier, a situation that can be very depressing for those who aren't ready or don't know what to do.

There is an epidemic of low self-esteem, because parents haven't had the time it takes to build it. That has left adolescent girls prey to body image issues.

It's critical to go after depression in the young. We now know that there is a kindling effect: the younger you are when you get your first depression, the more at risk you are for serious adult depressions with more frequency. The faster anyone can pick up on depression and its signs in young people, the quicker they can be helped.

Shyness, Ages 12 to 16

By Anne Krueger

Like quite a few parents, you may have recently taken a good look at your adolescent and wondered, "What happened?" Not only has your child's appearance changed, her demeanor may have as well. A once-gregarious child who used to tell you everything now clams up. A jolly child who was always surrounded by a dozen pals suddenly has no friends. Your previously confident child now blushes, stammers, and won't look anybody in the eye.

The multiple whammies of impending adulthood throw many kids for a loop. Weighing on their minds are such issues as changes in their bodies and how to respond to the opposite sex. They're worried about grades and fitting in. They may even be pondering the big "What am I going to do with my life?" question.

If your child was shy when she was younger, the pressures of middle and high school may make her withdraw even more. Even if she was outgoing, her confidence may falter. Stay tuned in to what's happening in your child's life, while allowing her a healthy degree of independence and autonomy. Here are answers to the many of the questions you probably have about your shy teen.

Why is my child suddenly shy?

The late-onset shyness you've noticed is likely a newfound self-consciousness. Children at this age develop what child psychologist David Elkind, author of Parenting Your Teenager, calls an "imaginary audience." They feel as though everyone is watching them, which makes them acutely aware of their actions and appearance.

If your child has abruptly become withdrawn, she may be going through a "hibernation" period to allow herself to think about all the things that are confusing her, from romance to academic pressures to peer relationships. During this phase, which typically is brief, your child may hide in her room, even when relatives or friends drop by. Unless she seems depressed, let her be, while making it clear that you're available to talk. Your child may eventually ask for guidance, or she may work things out on her own, emerging from her isolation when she's good and ready.

If your child has always been somewhat shy but has recently become dramatically so, that's likely a result of self-consciousness as well. During the teenage years, naturally quiet kids can become extremely anxious about participating in new activities or making new friends -- anything that puts them in the spotlight. If you can boost your child's confidence and help her have a few successes in the social arena, she'll forget about the audience and some of her shyness will likely disappear.

Most of the time, teenage shyness is a temporary phase and nothing to worry about. The child who has always been shy may struggle a bit more, but with support from her family she will probably come through the trials of adolescence a stronger person.

Why doesn't my child have any friends?

Childhood friendships often develop by chance: the child who lives next door is about your child's age, or she hooks up with someone who attends the same after-school program. Teens, however, are much more discriminating about friendships. Choosing someone and getting close may take some time.

Your child may have discovered that she doesn't have that much in common with the group she hangs out with. She may need to figure out where she fits in and what kind of friends she really wants. Or she may be a little less (or more) mature than her peer group -- maybe she doesn't want to read the same magazines or talk about who's dating whom. If that's the case, when she does form a friendship, it may be a particularly tight one with a similarly young-for-her-age child. Not to worry -- they can be goofy together until their interests mature.

If your child is a natural introvert, she may be content to be less socially active than other children. This is not necessarily a bad thing: Many children go through junior high and high school with just a small group of friends or happily pursuing solo activities such as music and art. Don't criticize your child's choice of friends, even if she only has a couple or you think her friends are nerdy. So long as she's happy, remind yourself that popularity isn't really important.

How can I help my shy child?

Here are some approaches that may help your shy child feel better about herself and function better at school:

Build her self-worth. Realizing that she has your confidence and trust -- or even your admiration - will pump her ego up. Make sure she occasionally overhears you saying nice things about her personality, achievements, and activities to family members and friends.

Don't compare personalities. Accept that each member of a family has a slightly different temperament and her own way of dealing with the world. One child may be extremely social and another may be just as happy to have one or two close friends and spend more time at home.

Practice social skills. If your child is having trouble making friends and wouldn't mind some help, coach her on how to ask for and listen to other people's opinions. Talk about the social situations that worry her most, and brainstorm ways she might make herself feel more comfortable. Don't, however, turn into your child's social director. Your interference will only signal that you lack faith in her.

Don't urge your child to change. Admonishments such as "Don't be shy" or "try to be more popular" aren't going to do your child any good or be well received, since she'll hear them as criticisms and can alter her behavior only so much. Remember, as much as you might wish it for your child, being popular is not a goal you want to dangle in front of her. If your child chooses to do things on her own, don't make her feel inadequate. Many a loner has grown up to be a brilliant inventor or talented writer. Some children aren't even lonely when they're alone. They may be shy, but they still like themselves.

Praise your child's strengths. A shy teen may not be comfortable enough to run for student council, but she might win a prize in the school science contest or be an excellent artist.

When should I be worried about my shy child?

Most shy teens do just fine in high school and don't seem to mind that they're not the homecoming queen or captain of the basketball team. If you're supportive and appreciative of your child's successes and friendships, she'll learn to see her shyness as a little quirk, not a major character flaw.

But sometimes shyness spirals into feelings of loneliness or failure. If your child feels like an outcast or worries that she's letting her family down, her self-esteem may take a nose-dive. Here are some danger signs to watch out for:

Unhealthy habits. If your child has suffered rejection, she may give up on group activities or social functions and fill her solitary hours by eating, watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the Internet.

Friends only with family. Being cozy with your parents is a good thing, but if your child wants to hang with Mom and Dad or her siblings all the time, she's not developing the interpersonal that she'll need to build friendships and even work relationships as an adult.

Bad bonding. If your shy child also has low self-esteem, problems can arise if she gravitates toward a child with similar problems. Two adolescents who view themselves as "losers" or "outcasts" may get some destructive ideas about how to escape reality (drugs, drinking) or retaliate against people they feel have wronged them.

Defensively rejecting others. If your child is extremely shy or has been rebuffed by some not-so-nice children, she may get in the habit of declining friendships as an act of self-protection. She may have decided that it's better to shun other kids and be friendless than be considered a social failure.

Where can I get help?

If your child's behavior worries you, particularly if she begins to do or say things that seem out of character, it's time to take action. You need not only to provide loving support but to call in the experts. Your first step could be to call your child's school guidance counselor or your child's doctor. Either of these professionals can offer advice and put you in touch with specialists, support networks, and health facilities. You can also look online or in the yellow pages of your phone book under family, child and individual counselors or psychologists or in the government listings pages under: Mental Health Department (state or municipal), Health Services Department, or Education Department (look for "Guidance" or "Social Worker").

Two excellent books on the issues facing adolescents are: Parenting Your Teenager, by child psychologist David Elkind, and The Ten Most Troublesome Teen-Age Problems, by psychologist Lawrence Bauman.

In addition to providing useful insights and tips, these books may help you realize that you're not alone in the difficulties you face with your child during these challenging years.

Internet y depresión

Expertos asocian el uso excesivo de internet con la depresión

No está claro si internet deprime o si los usuarios deprimidos se dejan llevar por la red, revela un estudio de la Universidad de Leeds

La gente que pasa mucho tiempo navegando en internet es más propensa a mostrar síntomas de depresión, dijeron este miércoles científicos británicos.

Sin embargo, no está claro si internet causa depresión o si la gente deprimida se ve arrastrada hacia la red.

Psicólogos de la Universidad de Leeds descubrieron lo que calificaron como "notables" pruebas de que algunos ávidos usuarios de internet desarrollan hábitos compulsivos en los que reemplazan la interacción social en la vida real con los chats y sitios de redes sociales.

"El estudio refuerza las especulaciones públicas de que la participación en páginas web que sirven para reemplazar las funciones sociales normales podrían estar relacionadas con desórdenes psicológicos como la depresión y la adicción", dijo Catriona Morrison, líder del estudio publicado en la publicación especializada Psychopathology.

"Este tipo de navegación por internet adictiva puede tener un serio impacto en la salud mental", agregó.

En el primer estudio a gran escala de jóvenes occidentales para observar este problema, los investigadores analizaron el uso de internet y los niveles de depresión de 1,319 británicos de entre 16 y 51 años.

De este total, un 1.2% era "adicto a internet", concluyeron.

Este grupo pasó proporcionalmente más tiempo buscando gratificación sexual en páginas web y usando juegos online y redes sociales, dijo Morrison.

Los "adictos a internet" también tuvieron una mayor incidencia de depresiones entre moderada y severa que los usuarios normales.

"El uso excesivo de internet está asociado con la depresión, pero lo que no sabemos es qué viene primero: ¿la gente deprimida se ve arrastrada a internet o es internet lo que causa la depresión?", se preguntó Morrison.

"Lo que está claro es que para un pequeño subgrupo de personas, el uso excesivo de internet podría ser una señal de advertencia de tendencias depresivas", sostuvo.

Morrison destacó que aunque los clasificados como "adictos" conforman apenas 1.2%, la cifra es mayor que la incidencia de los adictos a los juegos de azar en Gran Bretaña, que es de alrededor 0.6%.

Lo más importante

Según el estudio, reemplazar la vida social por pasar tiempo en la red se relaciona con desórdenes como la depresión y la adicción

Es el primer estudio a gran escala de jóvenes occidentales para analizar el uso de internet y la depresión